Tantrums: A Cry for CONNECTION

Posted on by buddingmindscentre

Parenting is tough as it is. Then suddenly as time trickles on, our little babies grow into independent explorers trying to make sense of the world they live in. When working with parents with toddlers or preschoolers, the biggest worry is how to handle their child’s tantrums.

Let’s understand tantrums first. What is a tantrum? It is a very physical expression of stress. Something has happened to cause a child to feel overwhelmed with feelings of anger, sadness and disappointment. Suddenly, the stress hormone, cortisol, floods a child’s brain and this state is unbearable for children. They will feel out of control and even as adults, we know how scary that feeling can be.

The first mistake that parents often make is to discipline a child when they are having a tantrum. When a child is experiencing all these feelings as well as an influx of cortisol, their cognitive ability is compromised. This means that a child is unable to reason during this time. Instead, what they are experiencing is that their feelings are dismissed and are intolerable to the parent as they cannot be held by the parent.

In many of the parenting talks I give about Positive Parenting, I start with discussing the ‘dance’ that a baby and mother have. This is a very important process for a child to feel contained and safe. When a mother holds a baby, she may gaze into her baby’s eyes. The baby may then respond with a sound or looking back. This is connection. When the baby cries, the mother picks up the baby and softly soothes the baby with her eyes, tone of her voice and the way she holds the baby. The baby’s anxiety has been held and the baby has now learned that they are safe. This very interaction matures with time as that baby grows. When the baby is now a toddler and having a tantrum, the mother needs to ‘hold’ the baby parts of their child for them to feel safe. This is not an easy task when your child is throwing a fit in the middle of the grocery store. For parents who have not been able to safely express their anger as children, this is a very scary interaction so naturally, parents try and discipline which is in fact dismissive of those angry feelings.

So what do you do? When your child is throwing a tantrum, you need to remember that this very moment is terribly overwhelming for them. You get down to their eye-level and just like how you would respond to them if they were hurt, you look at them with concern, have a gentle tone of voice and reflect the feelings behind the tantrum. Statements like this often work well:

  • “Oh Hannah, I can see just how cross you are right now. You are showing me and I can see it. It is making you so upset that Mom said no and won’t buy you that toy. It feels unfair”
  • “I can hear that you are so cross right now. Maybe even a little sad that this is what happened. Sad and cross feelings can feel very scary and mommy/daddy is right here. Why don’t we hug this out and then jump around to get the sad and cross feelings out?”

Reflecting the feelings is the act of connection. Your child feels understood, therefore they no longer need to ‘show’ you their feelings by having a tantrum. Moreover, it is important to reflect the feeling, and if they are not ready to be hugged, you get them to move around to help model healthy ways to deal with anger. If you are not home, star jumps, frog jumps or a quick little race can help. If you are home, jumping on a trampoline, swingball, throwing or kicking a ball with you are other activities you can do. You can see that ‘time-out’ is not a step as when a child is overwhelmed and having a tantrum, they NEED you and not to be cast aside to “think about what they have done” on their own. This exacerbates their feelings of being dismissed and now feeling abandoned.

Now is when parents ask me: “okay so then do we not discipline them?”. Boundaries are vital. Positive parenting is not about letting your child roam free and do what they want. It is about moving away from punishment and introducing responsibility. So, once your child has calmed down, you can then begin the reasoning process. Example: “Hannah, you have to brush your teeth every night so that we can make sure they are very healthy. I know that when it is teeth brushing time, it means that it is bed time and maybe you wanted to spend more time with me and dad/mom. So tomorrow night, if you decide to brush your teeth when we ask you too, you can choose two books for us to read together.” So, what you have done, is reflected why she may have felt the way she did and you have come up with a solution for next time by instituting a choice. Choices are very powerful parenting tools as they not only teach responsibility but they are empowering as they help your child to feel in control. Another example: “Hannah, I can see that when we go to the shops together that you want the toys we see. Sometimes, as your mommy/daddy I have to say no because the toy costs too much money. So next time I go to the shops, you get to decide that if you come with me to the shops, that we are not buying toys but we get to spend time together or you can stay at home and we will spend time together when I get back. What do you want to do? Now remember, if you choose to come with me and you get upset that I can’t buy you something, this means that next time I can’t bring you to the shops with me. Its up to you!”. So now you have put in a boundary and created a choice.

So remember: stop, remember a tantrum means a cry for connection, reflect the feelings, give a hug, do an activity and then when your child is calm, explain the boundary.

Children who feel connected to their parents will want to please their parents and if you can find moments in your day to truly connect (play or talking), your children are less likely to act out.

Anger Management For Kids: Tips For Dealing With Explosive Children

Posted on by buddingmindscentre

– The Huffington Post Canada  |  By Alyson Schafer

Most parents are equipped to get through the inevitable tantrums and meltdowns of little kids. As children grow they gain patience, develop more skills, learn problem solving and then low and behold the tantrums subside. Or they don’t.

For some children the anger or explosiveness only gets worse as they age. It was one thing when they were 30 pounds and stomping their feet, but now they are big and can hurl a chair across the family room.

There seems to be real rage in their bellies. Scratch the surface and BOOM -– they go off. The frequency, intensity and duration of these episodes goes beyond the explanation that your kid is simply having a bad day.

If you have a child who is destroying property, physically attacking others or repeatedly berating themselves, take matters seriously. Here are some ways you can deal with the situation.

Educate Yourself About Anger 
Anger is called “the fighting emotion.” We activate our anger when we want to go to battle to fight and win. The fight, flight, freeze (F3) response in our nervous system kicks in, which increases our heart rate, sends blood to the muscles so they are stronger and accelerates our breathing so we are good and oxygenated.

These massive bodily sensations are enough to overwhelm a child. It’s a big biological event that can even feel scary -– like they are out of control.

Anger is actually a secondary emotion. Your child feels another emotion first, which is the primary emotion. And that is the one you need to discover and learn from. It’s likely one of these five triggers:

  1. Threats to self-esteem (rejection, victimization, rights removed or infringed on) that come from these common childhood experiences:
  • The feeling a sibling is preferred
    • Inconsistent enforcement of rules (this is not fair!)
    • Public correction that embarrassed or humiliated them
    • Offering help or instruction when it wasn’t needed (micro-management)
    • Seeing an injustice done to another
    • Loss of sense of control or a sense of autonomy
    • Lack of understanding of others (low empathy)
    • Others reject or deny what the child is genuinely feeling (misunderstood)

    2. Biology: hunger, low blood sugar, tired, in pain

  1. Stress/Anxiety (illness, impending divorce, moving schools, new caregiver, upcoming test)
  2. Sadness (due to death or big change in their life)
  3. Frustration (communication problems, lack of dexterity or knowledge, perfectionism and hatred of mistakes, believing that asking for help is failure or inadequacy)

If you can identify and solve the primary feeling, your child’s need to fight with anger would not be necessary.

Basic Health Check
Double check your child is eating well, sleeping sufficiently (Do she snore? Could it be undiagnosed sleep apnea?) and reduce their stress.

Is he over-scheduled? Is he feeling undue pressure to excel? Parents are notoriously blind at seeing childhood stressors but they abound.

During a Blow Up, Be Calm and Empathetic
It’s very easy to get pulled into a child’s state. Instead, you have to act in calming ways to help her de-escalate.

It’s very easy to look fed-up and roll your eyes. You are so tired of their antics. But a cold, terse composure that is meant to brace yourself for the storm only adds fuel to her fire.

Instead, communicate calm, loving support. Watch your body language. Keep your tone sweet and quiet. Your facial expression should be one of empathy and compassion.

If he will allow you to offer comfort touches (rubbing his back or a hug), do it. Show that you understand he must be deeply upset to be this angered, but keep your words sparse. Give him space and time to re-group.

Keep a Log Book 
Write a log after each blow up. Record the events leading up to the angry outburst and how it finally resolved. Be sure to record not only what your child did — but also what you and others did.

Assign an intensity rating from 0 to 10. Watch the clock to see how long the blow up lasted and record that, too. After a week or a month, can you see a theme?

As you embark on making changes, you’ll want to know things are improving. The blow-ups won’t go away over night, but if they are less frequent, less intense and shorter then you are making headway! Don’t give up too soon.

Talk About Triggers In A Time Of Calm
When children are angry, it is not a good time for productive discussions. You’re best to save your talks for a time when she is calm. Re-visit the incident that made her so mad and ask her to help you understand what was so distasteful that got her so angry. Then listen.

Listen with a goal of understanding your child and her perspective. Don’t defend or correct.

For example, if your child shares: “You let Bella go on the iPad first. She always gets to go first”. Instead of correcting and defending yourself with “that is not true, you went first last time” simply acknowledge her feelings and beliefs.

“So you feel you get passed over for your sister all the time? That I give her more privileges than you? Like going first on the iPad yesterday? Is that right? Well that would not feel very good at all! If I thought that, I would be hurt and hopping mad too!”

Proper Modelling 
Children need to learn that using aggression is not the best way to resolve issues. If you use anger as a means to get your child to listen or behave, stop immediately. You are modelling this behaviour and he is imitating you.

Teach Problem Solving
Teach your child how to solve the problems he is having through positive means. “Besides getting mad, how else could you share that you feel unfairly treated, and how else could we assure that each child gets their turn going first on the iPad?”

Try to generate a few solutions: alternating days, mark turns on the calendar, leave a sticky note on the iPad saying whose turn is next, rock paper scissors, roll dice, etc. Decide on one solution to try for a week and see if things improve. If they don’t, try another solution.

They Have Control Over Their Anger -– It’s A Choice.
Children believe that other people make them angry and that they are just innocent victims of these strong emotions that take over their bodies. Teach your child about the fight, freeze, flight response so they can recognize when they are getting triggered.

Teach her relaxation techniques: breathing exercises, taking a warm shower, going for a walk around the block, listening to calming music, tensing and releasing their muscles.

Challenge Rigid Black-And-White Thinking 
In a time of calm, help your child to challenge his own rigid thinking. Young children often see the world in black and white with no grey scale. Things are right or wrong, good or bad, always or never. It’s part of growing up to see more sides to things and add complexity to our beliefs.

“You are not either a good boy or a bad boy — you are just lovable you, wonderful the way you are.”

“Instead of rigidly thinking your sister is always beating you, you can choose to think an alternate softer thought: many times my sister gets her way, but sometimes I do, too.”

Encouragement 
Children who get angry are discouraged and we need to help fill their bucket so they feel good about themselves and improve their relationships with others in the family.

Look for their strengths and share your appreciation for what they bring to the clan. Increase your positive interactions and have fun together. Notice their gentle side.

If things don’t improve, seek out the help of a family counsellor. You’d be amazed what a few sessions can do to improve matters.

 

How Do Children Learn Right from Wrong? They learn what they live.

Posted on by buddingmindscentre

– Taken from aha.parenting.com (Click to see actual article)

“Dr. Laura….How will they know right from wrong when they are never taught something will happen when they do wrong?”

So today, let’s think about how children learn right from wrong.

Little ones want what they want, and they like to be in charge of themselves. But they also depend on us, the parents who care for them, and they trust us to have their best interests at heart. They may not always do what we say, but they will always, eventually, do what we do. So most of what children learn about how to behave is from what we model.

That’s why, regardless of what you consciously teach your child, he will learn what he lives.

  • When we cheerfully help them clean up the spilled milk, they learn that it isn’t an emergency, so they don’t need to cry or to blame, and can simply solve the problem.
  • When we offer understanding as we say no to their requests, they learn that they won’t always get what they want, but they get something better — a mom or dad who always understands.
  • When we’re there to listen, they learn that life can be tough, but they can always recover and find a better way.
  • When we delight in them, they learn that they’re of value.
  • When we’re forgiving of their mistakes, they learn that no one’s perfect– but they’re more than enough just the way they are.
  • When we apologize and make amends, they learn to repair the damage they do.
  • When we try to see their side of things, they try to see our side of things, and they don’t want to disappoint us.
  • When we’re compassionate in the face of their upsets, they learn that emotions aren’t an emergency and can be managed.
  • When we share with them, heart to heart, our concern that the dog is hungry because they forgot to feed him, they learn that they never want to hurt a helpless creature again.
  • When we help them come up with a system to remind themselves to feed the dog so they don’t forget in the future, they learn to manage themselves.

Conversely,

  • When we punish them for forgetting to feed the dog, they get angry at us and at the dog, which doesn’t motivate them to want to care for him.
  • When we scream at them, they learn that tantrums are ok, and they learn to scream at us.
  • When we punish them, they learn that’s how to solve problems — people with more power are allowed to use it against people with less power.
  • When we swear at another driver, they learn incivility, not to mention some embarrassing words.
  • When we lie to someone on the phone when they’re listening, they learn that dishonesty is ok.
  • When we lie about their age to get them into an amusement park, they learn that cheating is ok.
  • When we speed in the car, they learn that breaking the law is ok if we don’t get caught.
  • When we promise to play a game with them and then renege, they learn that promises can be broken.
  • When we ignore the feelings that drove their behavior, they learn that there’s no one to help them with the big scary feelings that pop out and pressure them to “do bad.”
  • When we spank them, they learn that bigger people are allowed to hit smaller people.
  • When we punish them, they learn that they’re bad people — bad for doing wrong, bad for having the bad feelings that made them do wrong, bad for being mad at us for punishing them, and bad because they know they won’t be able to stop themselves from doing it again.

Children don’t learn right from wrong by being punished, any more than they learn red from blue by being punished. Kids learn when we show them red, and also when we show them kindness, responsibility, generosity, honesty, compassion, and all the other things we want them to learn, in action, every day.

When children feel close to their parents, they want to “follow” them. Going against their parents would be going against the most important people in their lives. That’s why connection is 90% of parenting. Until the child feels the connection, she isn’t open to our direction.

Of course, the prefrontal cortex that can keep strong emotions in check to help your child behave is still developing until age 25, so your child won’t always make the right choice. But if you’re parenting with loving guidance, at least she’ll be more likely to WANT to make the right choice.

Do you have to be perfect?  No, of course not. But then you can’t expect your child to be perfect, either.

Modeling self-forgiveness and making amends is part of teaching your child to repair the inevitable small ruptures that happen between humans, even when we love each other. It’s part of how you keep your child connected and wanting to “do right.”

But what if your child knows right from wrong and still keeps choosing “wrong”? That’s our next post. In the meantime, why not go hug your child?

How to Un-Entitle Your Kids in 6 Easy Steps

Posted on by buddingmindscentre

– taken from mom.me (Click to see actual article)

I love making beds. I’m a rarity, I know, but there’s something satisfying about the simple act of making a bed. I love making beds so much that I tend to function on autopilot in the morning. I travel from room to room, making beds and restoring the appearance of calm to each bedroom.

Sounds innocent enough, right? Making beds gives me a few moments of focus in the morning, while I run through the mental to-do list and prepare to tackle the day. What’s the harm in that?

Cut to the day I’m running late and yell up to the kids to make their beds and meet me in the front to get shoes on and out the door on the double. They stared back at me with blank faces. While they often thank me for making their beds “neat and organized,” and are generally filled with gratitude, I completely forgot to step back and show them how to make their own beds. So when I yelled up for them to take on the task for me that day, they didn’t know where to begin. Oops.

Needless to say, we altered our plans and spent some time practicing bed-making. Now they take pride in making their own beds.

Are my kids “entitled” because they didn’t make their own beds until recently? No. But in taking on tasks they are capable of completing simply because I enjoy those tasks, I rob them of the chance to learn a new skill and build more responsibility into their lives.

When parents routinely do everything for their kids and put their kids first every single time, entitlement can occur. Over time, it can reach unbearable levels. We have to step back and guide our kids toward independence and responsibility instead of running in for the save, fixing what needs fixing and answering every demand.

In her new book, “The Me, Me, Me Epidemic,” Amy McCready takes on the problem of entitlement with a positive spin. Entitled children can trigger feelings of frustration and anger in exhausted parents who are constantly stretched too thin. That can lead to yelling and excessive punishments, strategies that typically yield little reward and cause children to fear punishment instead of making better choices.

“When kids act up, they’re doing more than pitching a fit over a candy bar (or permission to go to a party),” McCready says. “Without even knowing it, they’re on a mission to achieve the belonging and significance they crave.”

Instead of punishing undesirable behavior or constantly rewarding positive behavior, McCready outlines specific strategies grounded in positive parenting to help empower kids to grow into responsible and un-entitled adults.

“The truth is kids everywhere—from toddlers to teens—are ruling the roost and they’re not about to abandon their posts without a fight,” she says. But there are ways to make the transition away from entitlement as a family.

Check out these great tools from McCready’s “Un-Enititler Tool Box”:

1. Mind, body, soul time

Parents today seem to thrive on being busy. There is always something that needs doing or somewhere to be. But in all of this doing and going, it’s very difficult to connect with our children in a meaningful way.

It might feel like your kids are constantly interrupting you at inopportune moments, but, in the mind of a child, it’s an attempt to connect on a deeper level.

McCready suggests setting aside 10 minutes of complete focus for each child, at least once (hopefully twice) each day. Turn off the distractions and connect with your kid on his level. If he wants to make paper airplanes, make them. If he wants to dance in the rain, go for it. Establish a meaningful connection by being present and focused during that time.

2. Sail out of the wind

Do you ever feel like parenting is really just a series of power struggles? You’re not alone. Kids want things and they push boundaries to see how far they can get you to bend. That’s normal. Pushing back, however, is not the answer.

A power struggle over an ice cream cone can turn into a full-blown screaming match when parents go back and forth with kids. McCready suggests sailing out of the wind, instead. Remove yourself from the power struggle. Make a decision. Stand by the decision. And leave the power struggle behind.

3. Adapt the home environment

I think most parents wish for a cleaning fairy at some point, or at least for a few extra hands when it comes to prepping meals, cleaning the house and getting various chores done. The good news is that kids are great helpers when we empower them, especially if we adapt our homes to make them kid-friendly.

I keep my plates and bowls within reach of my little ones so that they can prepare their own snacks and help set the table. All toys are also organized at kid level so that they can be responsible for cleanup.

Take a look around your home from the viewpoint of your child. Make the necessary adjustments to empower your kids to help out in the home.

4. Ditch the ‘don’t’

Kids hear a lot about what they shouldn’t do each day. Sometimes we do this to keep them safe, other times we do it to save time or get things done. Whatever the reason, parents dish out a lot of “don’t.”

Reframe your thoughts and replace “don’t” with “do.” Empower your kids to take on more responsibility and learn new tasks by helping them learn what to do.

5. Take time for training

The bed-making fiasco reminded me that I need to think about things my kids can do, but I haven’t necessarily taught them to do. They have always enjoyed folding laundry with me, so they are great helpers when it comes to laundry day. But I find that teaching them how to load the dishwasher, how to scramble the eggs and how to make the grilled cheese makes them feel confident and increases their responsibilities in the home.

6. Create a decision-rich environment

This is a big one. Kids don’t have a ton of choices on a daily basis and that can be frustrating. A great way to stop over-parenting is by allowing your kids to make their own choices as much as possible.

Let them choose little things, like how they want their hair and what outfits to wear, to bigger things, like what chores they want to take on. My daughter mopped my bedroom for me the other day because I listened when she said that she wanted to learn how to use a mop.

Take the time to teach and empower your children, and then step back and watch them grow.

10 Alternatives To “Consequences” When Your Child Isn’t Cooperating

Posted on by buddingmindscentre
– Taken from one of our favourite websites: Ahaparenting.com (Click to see actual article)

Most parenting experts suggest that when children “misbehave” the best response is “consequences.” Parents are told that letting children experience the consequences of their poor choices will teach them lessons. Makes sense, right?

Well, no.

Natural consequences can teach important lessons. We all have to learn that if we don’t remember to take our lunch, we’ll go hungry.

But when most parents use “consequences” for discipline, they aren’t the natural result of the child’s actions (“I forgot my lunch today so I was hungry”). Instead, they have become for children the threats they hear through their parents’ clenched teeth: “If I have to stop this car and come back there, there will be CONSEQUENCES!!”

In other words, Consequences mean Punishment. Whether you’re threatening a timeout or the loss of a privilege, that is punishment, which is defined as causing another person physical or emotional pain with the purpose of getting them to do things your way.

Unfortunately, research shows that punishment raises kids who behave WORSE and are LESS MORAL. I know, that seems counterintuitive. But when the discipline comes from outside, the child doesn’t internalize self-regulation. He isn’t actually CHOOSING to “be good” so he isn’t building those self-discipline muscles. And since he’s being good only to avoid punishment, he isn’t building moral muscles either.

In fact, since punishment creates power struggles, kids who are punished go on the defensive and blame everyone but themselves. Inside, though, they feel like bad people — which makes it hard to “act good.” (For more on why punishment backfires, see Why Punishment Doesn’t Teach Your Child Accountability).

Worried about what you’ll do without the threat of Consequences to keep your child cooperating? Next time your child refuses your guidance and you find yourself about to blurt out a threat, try one of these responses instead.

1. Let your child solve it.

“You haven’t brushed your teeth yet and I want to be sure we have time for a story. What can we do?”

It’s amazing how children step into responsibility when we offer it in a collaborative way. They love to help, and to solve puzzles. Sometimes they just need a little respect.

2. Partner for Win/win solutions.

If your child doesn’t offer a solution that works for you, explain why and help her come up with one.

“You think you should just skip brushing teeth tonight? Hmm…that doesn’t work for me because your poor teeth would stay germy and they could get tiny holes in them. What else could we do to get your teeth brushed and time for a story? Want to put your pjs on, and then brush?”

Once your child believes that you’re serious about win/win solutions, she’s much more likely to work with you to find a solution that works for everyone.

3. Invite cooperation with your phrasing.

Consider the difference in these approaches:

“Go brush your teeth now.” – Since no one likes to be told what to do, a direct order like this often invites resistance, either direct or in the form of stalling.

“Can you go brush your teeth now?” – Many kids will reflect on this and just say No. Don’t phrase your request in the form of a yes or no question unless you’re willing to accept No for an answer.

“Do you want to brush your teeth now, or after you put your PJs on?”

“Do you want to brush your teeth now, or after you put your PJs on?” – This strategy works because you’re extending your child the respect of giving him some control, at the same time that you retain the responsibility of making the decisions you need to as his parent. Only offer options you can live with, of course.

“You may brush your teeth now.”

“You may brush your teeth now.” – Almost sounds like a privilege, doesn’t it? This is a command, but a respectful, calming one. Works especially well with kids who are over-stimulated by bedtime and overwhelmed by choices.

4. Ask for a Do-over.

“Oops. I told you to brush your teeth and you ignored me and then I started to yell. I’m sorry. Let’s try a do-over.”

This is a great way to interrupt things when you’re headed down a bad road. Get down on your child’s level and make a warm connection. Look in her eyes. Touch her.

“Ok, let’s try this again, Sweetie. It’s teeth brushing time! How can we work as a team here to get those germs off your teeth?”

5. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

  • Before transitions, give ample warning AND spend a few minutes connecting with your child.
  • Think about what usually triggers problems for your child and take pre-emptive action.
  • Always leave extra time to get anything done that your child usually resists, so you’re relaxed.
  • Sidestep power struggles in general, so she’s more likely to cooperate when you really need her to.

6. When your child defies you, focus on the relationship, rather than on discipline.

A good relationship is your foundation; guidance doesn’t work without it because your child stops caring about pleasing you. A child who is rude is either very upset, or expressing her need for a better relationship with you. In either case, “consequences” will make the situation worse. I’m not suggesting you put up with rudeness, just that you see it as a red flag to do some repair work on the relationship.

7. Make sure your expectations are age-appropriate.

  • A one year old needs a baby-proofed house, not to learn by consequences how to leave the TV alone.
  • A four year old needs your help to get through the bedtime routine, not to lose reading time with you when he gets distracted and dawdles.
  • A ten year old needs your help to make the homework routine into a habit that works for him, not to lose his TV privileges. (Although screen time during the week may make it harder for kids to give their best to academics, family time, and pursuing other interests. But that’s a lifestyle choice, not a punishment.)

8. Get to the root of the problem.

Usually when kids defy us, they’re asking for help with their emotions. You’ll know this is happening when your child seems unhappy and is making you unhappy; when whatever you try just doesn’t work. At those times, your child is showing you that he has some big feelings he needs to express, and he needs your help. He may be angry, or afraid, or sad. He may just need to cry.

So if you set a limit and your child defies you, forget about punishment and consequences. This is a red flag that he needs your help. Connect with him, restate your limit with kindness and compassion, and listen to his upset. After your child gets a chance to show you all those feelings he’s been stuffing down, you’ll find him much more cooperative.

9. Engage the brain.

When humans are upset, our brains don’t work as well because “fight or flight” takes over and thinking stops. Start by taking a deep breath and calming your own emotions, to signal to your child that it isn’t an emergency. Then connect warmly with your child so she feels safe again. That moves her out of fight or flight, so she can think again. Finally, invite her brain to engage by helping her understand what’s happening:

“You are so upset. You were having so much fun playing with Daddy. Then he told you to go brush your teeth. You were mad, right? …… Then Daddy said No story tonight. Right? …. Now you are sad and mad…. I am right here. You are safe. I love you. Daddy loves you. Daddy was upset, too, but now he is here to hug you. … Let’s find a way that we can all have a good evening and feel good when we tuck you in to bed. Maybe we all need a Do-Over?”

This builds emotional intelligence in your child — and in your partner. And even if it doesn’t get you all on the same page, at least it gets you into the same book!

10. Use natural consequences.

I’m not suggesting that you move heaven and earth to protect your child from the natural outcome of his choices. We all need to learn lessons, and if your child can do so without too much damage, life is a great teacher. (Meaning, you won’t let him get a concussion to teach him to wear his bike helmet.) But you’ll want to make sure these are actually “natural” consequences that your child doesn’t perceive as punishment so they don’t trigger all the negative effects of punishment. What’s more, you’ll want to be sure that your child is convinced that you aren’t orchestrating the consequence and are firmly on his side, so you don’t undermine your relationship with him.

Consider the difference in these approaches:

“Of course I will bring your lunch to the school, Sweetie. I don’t want you to be hungry. But try to remember it tomorrow.” – Child may or may not remember his lunch tomorrow. There is no harm in doing this once or even twice, if you can do it easily. We all have forgotten things like lunches, and it is not a sign that your child will be irresponsible for life. But it is a signal that you need to help your child with self-organization strategies.

“I’m certainly not going to drop everything to bring you your lunch. I hope this will teach you a lesson.” – Child will probably learn to remember his lunch. BUT he concludes that parent doesn’t care about him, and becomes less cooperative at home. (And as my teenager says, “I would never ask a parent like that for help when I really needed it.“)

“Ok, I will bring your lunch but this is absolutely the last time. You would forget your head if it weren’t glued on and don’t expect me to always drop everything to bail you out.” – Child does not learn to remember lunch but does learn that he is a forgetful person who irritates his parent. In the future, he acts in accordance with this expectation.

Now, what about this approach?

“I’m so sorry you forgot your lunch, Sweetie, but it doesn’t work for me to bring it to you. I hope you won’t starve and I will have a snack waiting when you get home.”

Child learns to remember lunch AND feels cared about AND self image stays intact.

Retraining yourself can be tough. But as Rebecca Eanes, author of Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide says, “Throw the word “consequence” entirely out of your vocabulary and replace it with the term “problem-solving.”  You’ll be amazed at the miracles you can make.